Funny how things change.
I started this blog to help myself stay in "check", accountable for my health, diet, and overall happiness. And here I am, once again, disappointed in my actions or lack of. Sometimes we slip, sometimes we fall, real hard, but we just still get back up on that "horse" again and again and again. Yet I felt like I was missing something, the bigger picture. The reasons and the whats that have been knocking me down.
Self Check in the most single important gift to one self. If it weren't for my friend, exposing the crucial importance of stepping back, taking a moment to "pause", gathering your thoughts and then going forward, I think I would be a mess right now.
Its time that I put my self in front of a mirror and focus. Focus on what it is that I want. To dig deep in my soul for every ounce of strength to pull me through this, because I have failed. Simple as that.
Along with my self check, I'm taking a break from the blog. Although it has become a second friend to me, I feel as if its also an "excuse". My confessional if you will, to wipe away all my sins, to be forgiven, and then make the same mistakes again. If I pour out my bad behavior on the Internet, then it really wasn't that bad...sometimes, the feed back was encouraging, which I quickly distorted into, "see everyone has bad days". My bad days have rotating around for 4 years, with the same conversation each time I've failed. I don't want this to be year 5. If there is any promise that I want to keep, minus the weight loss eating healthy, or making good decisions...is to be honest with myself.
So with that said, I hope to return....with good news, fun adventures, and new pictures. In the meantime good luck to all my friends who were following me on this journey, I hope yours, becomes what you intended to.
Cheers!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Nothing can prevent the achievement of your goals than you. If your goal is to be promoted, the universe conspires to give the right opportunities. The rest is up to you.
Today is a hard day.
I thought I would be writing more about the fun stuff, and breaking some ground. Unfortunately I have bad news.
January was hard, but heading into Feb, I kept my head up high. I lost 4 pounds, and felt pretty good. And then the wheels came off.
I hurt my ankle, and it hurts bad. Somehow on the treadmill, I aggravated my joints, bones, and tendons on my right ankle, and it will not allow me to walk or run.
I can still walk, with a brace and a slight limp, but to get on the treadmill and pump out 50minutes of random incline @ 3.8 is painful. Not to say, how it feels afterwards.
I feel defeated. So I decided to drink and eat and eat and eat, to my injury, CHEERS!
Now I'm back on the "start over" speech that I give myself every time I let myself go of track, you know the one, "ok lets just forget about what you did, it was only one time, we can do this". But that speech is old, worn and unproductive. It's the battle that I have not been able to beat for 4 years.
Now with this injury, my first goal of running a 10k by March is off the list. Depression is knocking on the back door just waiting to take me over. I'm trying to keep myself in check, but this is really out of bounds for me.
My diet and exercise (running) has been my "go to" plan for all of my life. The one year that I had lost about 25 pounds (some 7? 8? years ago) I started with walking, and then morphed into running with weight training. I was in the best shape ever! Sis Christiann remembers this. It was the year of the "OH YAH, I JUST DID 4 MILES @ 6.2"...with her come back "OH YAH, WELL I JUST DID 4.5 MILES @ 6.3"...the competition was outstanding, the comradely was comforting and I was having fun.
That too, was the year we went to SunRiver, Oregon and because we had been running on the treadmill so much, we got there and couldn't complete 3 miles outside, I think? Classic...
I look back on that time as an example of what worked. So I've always defaulted to it. But times are different, my age plays a huge part, the type of weight I've gained is different, plus my body doesn't respond the same way. I get it. No really I get it...my ankle is a warning of what could come, if I don't find another path.
So the search is on. While beating the big "D" from creeping into my blood and brain, I'm setting a path, a course if you will, to cleanse my soul with forgiveness, open my heart to understanding with change, and to listen to my body tell me what it can do.
Leaving that warm, cuddly, reliable friend (running) will be the hardest challenge of all. I am terrified that nothing is going to feel as good, or work as quick and effective.
I have to let it go...I have to, or I accept the way I am now, and that is NOT an option.
I thought I would be writing more about the fun stuff, and breaking some ground. Unfortunately I have bad news.
January was hard, but heading into Feb, I kept my head up high. I lost 4 pounds, and felt pretty good. And then the wheels came off.
I hurt my ankle, and it hurts bad. Somehow on the treadmill, I aggravated my joints, bones, and tendons on my right ankle, and it will not allow me to walk or run.
I can still walk, with a brace and a slight limp, but to get on the treadmill and pump out 50minutes of random incline @ 3.8 is painful. Not to say, how it feels afterwards.
I feel defeated. So I decided to drink and eat and eat and eat, to my injury, CHEERS!
Now I'm back on the "start over" speech that I give myself every time I let myself go of track, you know the one, "ok lets just forget about what you did, it was only one time, we can do this". But that speech is old, worn and unproductive. It's the battle that I have not been able to beat for 4 years.
Now with this injury, my first goal of running a 10k by March is off the list. Depression is knocking on the back door just waiting to take me over. I'm trying to keep myself in check, but this is really out of bounds for me.
My diet and exercise (running) has been my "go to" plan for all of my life. The one year that I had lost about 25 pounds (some 7? 8? years ago) I started with walking, and then morphed into running with weight training. I was in the best shape ever! Sis Christiann remembers this. It was the year of the "OH YAH, I JUST DID 4 MILES @ 6.2"...with her come back "OH YAH, WELL I JUST DID 4.5 MILES @ 6.3"...the competition was outstanding, the comradely was comforting and I was having fun.
That too, was the year we went to SunRiver, Oregon and because we had been running on the treadmill so much, we got there and couldn't complete 3 miles outside, I think? Classic...
I look back on that time as an example of what worked. So I've always defaulted to it. But times are different, my age plays a huge part, the type of weight I've gained is different, plus my body doesn't respond the same way. I get it. No really I get it...my ankle is a warning of what could come, if I don't find another path.
So the search is on. While beating the big "D" from creeping into my blood and brain, I'm setting a path, a course if you will, to cleanse my soul with forgiveness, open my heart to understanding with change, and to listen to my body tell me what it can do.
Leaving that warm, cuddly, reliable friend (running) will be the hardest challenge of all. I am terrified that nothing is going to feel as good, or work as quick and effective.
I have to let it go...I have to, or I accept the way I am now, and that is NOT an option.
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