Self Check

Funny how things change.

I started this blog to help myself stay in "check", accountable for my health, diet, and overall happiness. And here I am, once again, disappointed in my actions or lack of. Sometimes we slip, sometimes we fall, real hard, but we just still get back up on that "horse" again and again and again. Yet I felt like I was missing something, the bigger picture. The reasons and the whats that have been knocking me down.

Self Check in the most single important gift to one self. If it weren't for my friend, exposing the crucial importance of stepping back, taking a moment to "pause", gathering your thoughts and then going forward, I think I would be a mess right now.

Its time that I put my self in front of a mirror and focus. Focus on what it is that I want. To dig deep in my soul for every ounce of strength to pull me through this, because I have failed. Simple as that.

Along with my self check, I'm taking a break from the blog. Although it has become a second friend to me, I feel as if its also an "excuse". My confessional if you will, to wipe away all my sins, to be forgiven, and then make the same mistakes again. If I pour out my bad behavior on the Internet, then it really wasn't that bad...sometimes, the feed back was encouraging, which I quickly distorted into, "see everyone has bad days". My bad days have rotating around for 4 years, with the same conversation each time I've failed. I don't want this to be year 5. If there is any promise that I want to keep, minus the weight loss eating healthy, or making good decisions...is to be honest with myself.

So with that said, I hope to return....with good news, fun adventures, and new pictures. In the meantime good luck to all my friends who were following me on this journey, I hope yours, becomes what you intended to.

Cheers! 

Nothing can prevent the achievement of your goals than you. If your goal is to be promoted, the universe conspires to give the right opportunities. The rest is up to you.

Today is a hard day.

I thought I would be writing more about the fun stuff, and breaking some ground. Unfortunately I have bad news.

January was hard, but heading into Feb, I kept my head up high. I lost 4 pounds, and felt pretty good. And then the wheels came off.

I hurt my ankle, and it hurts bad. Somehow on the treadmill, I aggravated my joints, bones, and tendons on my right ankle, and it will not allow me to walk or run.

I can still walk, with a brace and a slight limp, but to get on the treadmill and pump out 50minutes of random incline @ 3.8 is painful. Not to say, how it feels afterwards.

I feel defeated. So I decided to drink and eat and eat and eat, to my injury, CHEERS!

Now I'm back on the "start over" speech that I give myself every time I let myself go of track, you know the one, "ok lets just forget about what you did, it was only one time, we can do this".  But that speech is old, worn and unproductive. It's the battle that I have not been able to beat for 4 years.

Now with this injury, my first goal of running a 10k by March is off the list. Depression is knocking on the back door just waiting to take me over. I'm trying to keep myself in check, but this is really out of bounds for me.

My diet and exercise (running) has been my "go to" plan for all of my life. The one year that I had lost about 25 pounds (some 7? 8? years ago) I started with walking, and then morphed into running with weight training. I was in the best shape ever! Sis Christiann remembers this. It was the year of the "OH YAH, I JUST DID 4 MILES @ 6.2"...with her come back "OH YAH, WELL I JUST DID 4.5 MILES @ 6.3"...the competition was outstanding, the comradely was comforting and I was having fun.
That too, was the year we went to SunRiver, Oregon and because we had been running on the treadmill so much, we got there and couldn't complete 3 miles outside,  I think? Classic...

I look back on that time as an example of what worked. So I've always defaulted to it. But times are different, my age plays a huge part, the type of weight I've gained  is different, plus my body doesn't respond the same way. I get it. No really I get it...my ankle is a warning of what could come, if I don't find another path.

So the search is on. While beating the big "D" from creeping into my blood and brain, I'm setting a path, a course if you will, to  cleanse my soul with forgiveness, open my heart to understanding with change, and to listen to my body tell me what it can do.

Leaving that warm, cuddly, reliable friend (running) will be the hardest challenge of all. I am terrified that nothing is going to feel as good, or work as quick and effective.

I have to let it go...I have to, or I accept the way I am now, and that is NOT an option.

Why so Serious???

Well the month has come and almost gone. Its been a hard one.

The first of the month your excited to get rid of all those bad habits (choices) you've been making for the last year or in my case 4 years. Your pumped! You have a plan, and its a good one. You jump on that train, headed to Slimville...and then, CRASH!!! You hit the wall.

I can say that my desire of getting myself, diet and health have not fallen to short, just a bit. If I were grading myself I would average a C+. Not bad, but no as good as I could have done.

My workouts/gym was the over-achiever..my health, we will have to see, but where I have "jumped" the track, was my diet. It's not as bad as I'm making it seem, but bad enough for me. I went in head first with the plan not to DRINK. That didn't happen. The other, more fruits and veggies, that did happen ;) No fast food...uhh, yah that didn't happen (Russ has an overwhelming craving for a BigMac), I followed suit with a cheese burger meal, not just the one cheese burger but the two, its a #4 on that damn menu board for you out there that don't eat McDonalds. I had some ice cream in the mix, chocolate and chips. What happened??

I can't explain it? Russ has been so supportive, he has even helped me to get to the gym. My friends and family supporting me all the way with helpful hints, telling me to keep going, one bad "jump" doesn't cancel out all the good I have done. Plus to make myself feel better I'm  convinced that all my bad deeds weren't done at once. It was a little "naughty" here and a little "naughty" there.

But for me, I am an ALL in kinda gal. Cold turkey, Balls to the Wall, No pain No Gain, or I use to be.

As the end of the month gets closer, I'm reviewing  my first post, with all my plans, goals and hopes. I haven't failed, I have gained. I am learning...learning that I am a different person than I was 5, 10 and even 15 years ago. My age has changed, my body has changed, and my life has changed.  Its hard growing up, admitting that your legs don't bend that way anymore, running 3 Miles is almost max, and after 30 days of hard workouts, eating better (even with the "naughties") than I have in years, I still don't feel as if I lost an ounce.. I think I gained, actually. It could really set a girl back, all that reality.

Yet with all of that, I'm missing the bigger picture..I have MADE IT, I have successfully made 30DAYS..I have continued to keep at it. That I started at 2Miles @ 4.5, (now at 3M @ 4.8), swimming 40 to 45 min. with 10 second rest, that it to sit in the hot tub or sauna after a workout, and 8lbs weights are my friend.

What I'm also missing is, what I had pledged in my very first post is to have FUN! Have a sense of HUMOR for God sake, to do something different, challenging or not. It's just the rest of my life, right?...Embracing all the good and bad is a part of finding out what work

So out with THE SO SERIOUS posts, and here's to FUN, LAUGHTER, & HEALTHY!!
Bring on the next 30Days, and the next and the next... Cause I'm gonna kick them harder than the first, and MELT this FAT right off my ASS (& stomach, hips, boobs ;)...see yah in the next round!

Benjamin Franklin: You may delay, but time will not.



I CAN BE THAT LUCKY!



New Inspiration..

As the month January is getting closer to the end, I'm already beginning to "validate" what I have done right and what I have done wrong.

Its hard to be good to yourself. To understand that failure will come, its just how you react to it. For every failure, there is a lesson learned. If you learned the lesson, it won't happen again??? So they say.

Bad habits are very hard to break, its easy to get them started, but painful to delete them from your life. For one habit, there is always another lurking around the corner.

Now choices are easier to deal with. Every morning, I have choices to make on how my day is going to go, how my mood is, my goals, what to wear, what to eat....and so on. But for some silly reason, I don't feel like I'm giving into or giving up anything, when I just make a simply choice. If I choose to eat a hamburger, then I choose to run longer and do more sit ups...maybe I will stop eating hamburgers for awhile because I'm tired of having to work hard to keep it off my Ass? But again those are choices...

The label "Bad Habit(s)" is just wrong. Their are bad CHOICES, and with those choices come consequences, just the same as good choices. So today I have vowed to redirect my analogy of myself and those BAD habits, to making better choices that will result in positive consequences. 

For me, this is a LIFE change. My weight should reduce, my health should be partially restored, and my energy with be at its best, but my LIFE will be more enriched with the changes, the choices I make every day! 

So stop giving up, or giving into that demon called "Habit" let it go, and embrace the POWER of choice... it is the ULTIMATE gift to one self.

Cheers!

Hornitos, need I say more?

Ok, so I knew this day would come, I just thought it would be a little later in the game.

Trying to mix it up..I decide to swim yesterday. Wednesday, I kicked ASS at the gym. 3+ miles, ran for 40 minutes, and did weights...it felt SO good! Giving the body a "change" and easier on the bones/joints, Thursday I put the swimming suit on and get ready for the pool.

Now after 12 days of really doing good, eating healthy, no wine, minimal drink. Especially compared to what I use to drink on a daily bases, you can't even qualify what I'm having as a drink. You would think the bathing suit looks a bit better...ha. Oh, well the workout was pretty good, though.


A dieters biggest challenge is themselves.
I've been battling the NOPE, not even a pound do I feel lighter, or do I look thinner. That stupid brain of mine is trying to play tricks on me and get me discouraged. I keep beating back the thoughts of going off the rails and giving up.

So, I stay over positive...it was our "day off", we got a call for work off of a referral, which usually means we have a really good shot at getting the job, and that's good news. Russ was in complete "relax" mode, which is playing his XBOX, drinking, and being happy. I wanted some of that..
And that's how it began.

I don't blame Russ for enjoying his time, drinking, getting a little tipsy...most people would say what an "ASSHOLE", for not supporting me.  He doesn't hold me back or govern me, that's how are relationship is.  I am responsible for my own actions, and crap did I act. One shot, two shots, three shots, down. Music was playing, I was feeling good, had low fat homemade chili for dinner, TV off, and Triple Yahtzee for fun. And away I went, down that old familiar road.......

There is a reason I quit drinking..
1. I was out of control with how often and how much I was drinking.
2. I can almost be certain that my 30lbs of fat, is 29.9 alcohol.
3. The hangovers, my God, how did I ever function.
4. Its a habit, nothing more.

I paid the price this morning...heavy head, tired, bloated, and sore. My heartburn came back immediately, my joints were aching, and my head was telling me STUPID CHICA. Not to mention the "I need a fat greasy burger to cure this hangover"...which I did, at least I only ate half of it. No matter the damage is done.

I could beat myself up for this defeat, but I won't. I will remind myself that it has been 5years of this lifestyle that has created the habits, the extra weight and poor shape I am in. Its gonna take longer than 12 days to make a difference. I will have set backs, that's how this game is played...However, I hope I got the "drinking" set back out of my system...time will only tell.

Its a secret...

Its funny..you get to the gym and you feel good, your favorite treadmill is open, the TV is NOT tuned into that mindless Kardashin  (yeah the spelling might be off, but I really don't give a shit) crap, and you start.

Uh, hello start..legs go.."I SAID FUCKING GO". Yah, not moving so quick. You notice your heartrate is running a bit high, that stupid air pocket in my right ankle doesn't want to release (should of "popped" it before I started) and my tummy starts to tighten up.

Then it happens..the song comes on my iPod shuffle and I began to get in a rythum..just keep going, keep going.

I stare a lot when I run, thats cause I'm thinking. Visualizing everything from me being thinner on the beach in Maui, to a strip-tease dance in a mini skirt for Russ. But my biggest weapon of choice is my sister Chris.

In the last few years she has accomplished so much with her physical fitness, how could you not be impressed? And tap into her strength/courage.

So....

I have a little secrect I'll share with you...
I visualize my sister Chris running with me at the gym. When it gets close to my last 1/2 mile and I'm struggling, she looks at me, gives me the thumbs up, and I give it back. She signals 5 more minutes, look ahead its, the FINISH LINE. I see it too, I push myself harder to to get there quicker. I have done it...
Silly as it may seem, it works every time!

A Blessing or a Curse?

Ok, so because I'm using this blog to be honest about myself, along with sharing my achievements & failures. I have a confession...

First my achievement...I ran 2.5M at a faster pace than I have in a long time...it was to date (since Dec 1st) the best run yet. I felt good, I'm making progress, so obviously I deserved a little reward. Ha ha ha

That leads me to my failure. I proceeded to have a shot of tequila before the bar. That should have cured my craving, right? Nope I get to Buffalo Bobs or whatever the hell that place is called and decided I did real good all week.."I'll have a margarita, thank you, double shot". Yes it tasted wonderful, but what would the sin be without fat and grease? So Mini corn dogs, chicken tenders, and popcorn shrimp should do.

Now most of us with a conscience would have had "eaters remorse". Nope I enjoyed every moment. I nibbled on everything, fries and all.

Hey its all good, I killed all those calories earlier on the treadmill, right? Not so fast fatty. Those nasty, wonderful, greasy morsels have a way of sticking to your ASS, and your colon.  Which doesn't make for a good run the next day.

Next day.
I've learned my lesson...eating right will payoff much better than eating bad. When I reach my goals then I can tickle my tummy with some "evil" foods, but for now I have to stick to the plan (no pun intended).

The workout.
A bad start to the run this morning only 1M in and my tummy is telling me "potty" (mini corn dogs don't digest very well)...so I try. Nope. Back to the treadmill I go. Can't run. Most runners get this, not that I qualify as a runner, but potty issues are never ending. Something about the pounding and moving fast, gets "things" moving, which is good, unless you eat crap <----- ;). So I give in to walking. 35minutes later on random (up and down hills @ 3.9mph), I had one of the best workouts. I felt as if I worked off the cravings of yesterday, made some progress in overall time, and work some areas that needed it. And then it happened....

Russ has joined the gym. His second day. I"m very proud of him. Not being a social person, this was a big step. He has plunged into the pool already, and is enjoying the hot tub and sauna. He even got on the bike. Geez,  I haven't even done the sauna! Good for him.

As we are getting ready to leave, the suggestions of my workout becomes the topic. Immediately I go on the defensive. "Don't tell me what to do" "I've been doing this longer than you and I have goals" "Don't Fuck with my plan"..all of course screaming in my head, as he is telling me I need to
cross train.

When you have been by yourself for so long (with exercise & working out) its hard to listen to anyone. I know better, I know my body, hence that's why I haven't hired a trainer (plus the embarrassment of how out of shape I am).
But sometimes you just have to listen, pause, hear the words that he, Russ is saying. He cares enough about your goals, about what you are trying to achieve, to offer advise.

I am BLESSED  that my friend is supporting me, helping me, criticizing me and comforting me, all in the name of helping me reach my goal(s). I could not have asked for a better person, to share in this adventure/life change.

So Thank You Russell....Thank you for  joining the gym,  Thank you for being the person that you are and Thank you for letting me be the person I want to be!

Here is to suggestions, being open minded, trying something different/challenging, and to both us living healthier lives..